my heart hurts

Greetings in the name of Jesus!

i dont want to put this into my words of correct perspective. i said i'd be real here. so here's my raw emotional complaining. dont be stumbled or discouraged. God redeems or corrects in His time ("iBboy81" is me, "Coservant" is a protected identity).

iBboy81 (1:17:25 AM): so, you know i give people rides up to chicago all the time?
iBboy81 (1:17:33 AM): well when i go, during the school year
iBboy81 (1:17:59 AM): and sometimes it's random people
iBboy81 (1:18:08 AM): but since it's CFC or friends of, i'm okay
iBboy81 (1:18:19 AM): apparantly i cant do the same
Coservant (1:19:24 AM): eh?
iBboy81 (1:19:25 AM): she said i was random
iBboy81 (1:19:37 AM): but i thought we served together
Coservant (1:19:42 AM): someone said she can't give u a ride cuz she doesn't know you
iBboy81 (1:19:48 AM): basically
Coservant (1:19:53 AM): mm...
iBboy81 (1:20:51 AM): i donno
iBboy81 (1:21:32 AM): i know the general concerns, but i dont see where that would apply...
iBboy81 (1:21:49 AM): and she talked to someone who knows me?
iBboy81 (1:21:54 AM): and i still got a call about it
iBboy81 (1:22:03 AM): i feel really salty
Coservant (1:22:36 AM): mm..
Coservant (1:22:37 AM): sorry gill
Coservant (1:22:40 AM): =(
Coservant (1:22:45 AM): that's tough
Coservant (1:22:54 AM): i know .. u must feel pretty hurt and offfended ...
Coservant (1:23:24 AM): but ... i don't know~
Coservant (1:23:57 AM): take it for what it is .. and just don't let it affect you too much, ok? just keep trying to find a rid
iBboy81 (1:23:59 AM): i need an older brother to talk to
Coservant (1:24:13 AM): some people .. just ... have a different standard of what they feel comfortable with
iBboy81 (1:24:16 AM): sorry i always dump on you lately
Coservant (1:24:20 AM): and ... not that it's right ... but ..
Coservant (1:24:43 AM): nooo, it's ok!! i really like that you share with me about things ..
Coservant (1:24:49 AM): i'm jsut sorry i'm not helpful tho ..
iBboy81 (1:24:58 AM): whatever, you are
iBboy81 (1:25:13 AM): just dont let it go to your head
iBboy81 (1:25:14 AM): hahah
iBboy81 (1:25:16 AM): jp
Coservant (1:26:25 AM): hahah
Coservant (1:26:29 AM): alright alrighty =P
iBboy81 (1:26:38 AM): i think i'm getting too liberal for cfc undergrad
iBboy81 (1:26:51 AM): i may have to move to career
Coservant (1:27:03 AM): hahah
iBboy81 (1:28:34 AM): my issues have to do with my heart so much lately
iBboy81 (1:28:52 AM): i dont know if moving is the answer
iBboy81 (1:29:01 AM): i mean, it oesnt fix the real issue
Coservant (1:30:16 AM): yup
Coservant (1:30:34 AM): we always wanna run away .. thinking it'll be better or easier somewhere else .. but it never really is
Coservant (1:30:45 AM): cuz at the core it's really all about our heart
iBboy81 (1:31:58 AM): my initial response is, why doesnt everything change for me?
iBboy81 (1:32:14 AM): cuz i'm the center and that'll make me feel better
iBboy81 (1:32:19 AM): so selfish
iBboy81 (1:32:20 AM): ;p
iBboy81 (1:32:49 AM): i need to go to God
iBboy81 (1:33:29 AM): i have too many issues and doubts
iBboy81 (1:33:38 AM): i'll ttyl
Coservant (1:33:48 AM): ok~
Coservant (1:33:51 AM): hang in there gill ...
iBboy81 (1:34:02 AM): you too
Coservant (1:34:12 AM): be honest and real before God .....
iBboy81 (1:34:14 AM): i'll pray for your job search
Coservant (1:34:17 AM): i'll be praying for you ..
Coservant (1:34:18 AM): thanks
Coservant (1:34:22 AM): =)
Coservant (1:34:25 AM): i'll ttyl
iBboy81 (1:34:54 AM): 'nite Coservant
iBboy81 (1:35:01 AM): thank you for listening
Coservant (1:35:13 AM): night. let me know if you need anything .. or need any more help fiding a ride
Coservant (1:35:19 AM): gnight.. bye
Conversation ended at 6/12/04 1:35:22 AM.

i'm such a sensitive little girl...i hate it. grow up, be a man. my heart hurts. dont worry Random, this was just the end cap of the night, not the cake or even frosting. you already said sorry, so that's all good for me. God'll take care of the rest.

sometimes i feel so misunderstood and unloved. no one even wants to take the time to get to know me. what is there to know about me? why do i think i should be loved? what am i worth? the blood on the cross? of course, but it's not by my blood, but the blood that covers me. because of Him i will get through my hurt heart and persevere.

ONLY by His grace and mercy,
Gill